It feels like we're already flying but the air is too thin and we're dying. The clouds all around take us higher, the world far below is on fire. I hold out my hand just to touch you. A reason for being forever. You're just a whisper away.


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Guts, bravery, courage.

Background story:
I've been a vegetarian for the last four years. I had phases where I would only eat vegetables, fruits, bread, ... where I would just eat vegan stuff. But I never had the courage (?), the power of indurance, the support from the outside. My family is meat-eaters, except for my brother. Some time ago I stopped eating eggs, because they disguist me. But when somebody (like my flatmate) cooks something vegetarian [for me] and she put eggs into it, I cannot say no. That would be impolite, right? She eats meat. She sometimes doesn't, just for me.

She shouldn't do that for me, should she? It makes absolutely no sense. I don't live to eat what people serve me (without asking if I like it). Is that selfish? Am I selfish? No. That also makes no sense. I am just being fair towards animals...Right? I am so fucking insecure, because nobody tells me that I am actually doing the right thing. Being a lacto-vegetarian (no meat, no eggs) is a good and right thing to be. I have to tell myself that it is right. I have to live with it and not somebody else.

So, since tuesday I've been living a vegan life. I went to the supermarket and bought lots of soy and tofu products (I've done that before, but well...) and I bought no cheese, no milk, no fucking cornflakes (who might contain milk, eggs or blablabla...why?). And I put it in the fridge and was very proud of myself. 

I declined chocolate when offered, cookies when offered, tiramisu when offered, even though I really like the taste of it. But it contains animal products. It's friday and I bear up. 

I bought a book called "Peace food" by Rüdiger Dahlke. It's a book about the benefits of vegan nutrition. When I'm finished reading it, there will be no turning back, I know. 

The point is: there is no way I am going to eat meat EVER again. I am a hundred percent sure about that. But milk? Cheese? Chocolate that I can buy anywhere? It is hard. But I know that there are alternatives for all that. Soy stuff that tastes just as good. 

Christmas is coming up. My granny making veggie casserole just for me. I don't think I can tell her to leave the cheese out. She wouldn't know what to cook for me. Is this polite? Right? wrong?

I am a grown up for god's sake. I should be able to tell her. It is no crime but somehow I DO feel bad about it. Why? I am right. This is the right thing to do. 

I need to hang in there. Because if I don't I will also feel shitty. It's a vicious circle. I cannot please everybody. 

The same goes with the breaking up of my parents. I try to handle it. I try to be with both with all my love. I try to be the perfect daughter, the perfect granddaughter, the perfect housemate, the perfect friend. But I cannot be perfect. 

So what am I going to do?

I guess my mom knows about me starting to live as a vegan. And she asked: "So you don't eat anything anymore?" And I explained it to her. She thoght I was going to be somebody who only eats fruits and stuff that falls to the ground by itself (like apples)...

I think I really need to do this. Guts, bravery, courage!

I looked up famous vegan. Elijah Wood for one, Moby, Emilie Autumn, ... There are some. I am just looking for some support. 

I think I am putting too much into this. It's just food. Actually nobody should even ask me what I eat. And nobody should actually ask me to explain myself for eating what I eat. This is my business. 

I am confused and sad and angry and somehow alone. This adds to the fiasco.

11.11.11 22:49


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