Background story:
I've been a vegetarian for the last four years. I had phases where I would only eat vegetables, fruits, bread, ... where I would just eat vegan stuff. But I never had the courage (?), the power of indurance, the support from the outside. My family is meat-eaters, except for my brother. Some time ago I stopped eating eggs, because they disguist me. But when somebody (like my flatmate) cooks something vegetarian [for me] and she put eggs into it, I cannot say no. That would be impolite, right? She eats meat. She sometimes doesn't, just for me.

She shouldn't do that for me, should she? It makes absolutely no sense. I don't live to eat what people serve me (without asking if I like it). Is that selfish? Am I selfish? No. That also makes no sense. I am just being fair towards animals...Right? I am so fucking insecure, because nobody tells me that I am actually doing the right thing. Being a lacto-vegetarian (no meat, no eggs) is a good and right thing to be. I have to tell myself that it is right. I have to live with it and not somebody else.

So, since tuesday I've been living a vegan life. I went to the supermarket and bought lots of soy and tofu products (I've done that before, but well...) and I bought no cheese, no milk, no fucking cornflakes (who might contain milk, eggs or blablabla...why?). And I put it in the fridge and was very proud of myself. 

I declined chocolate when offered, cookies when offered, tiramisu when offered, even though I really like the taste of it. But it contains animal products. It's friday and I bear up. 

I bought a book called "Peace food" by Rüdiger Dahlke. It's a book about the benefits of vegan nutrition. When I'm finished reading it, there will be no turning back, I know. 

The point is: there is no way I am going to eat meat EVER again. I am a hundred percent sure about that. But milk? Cheese? Chocolate that I can buy anywhere? It is hard. But I know that there are alternatives for all that. Soy stuff that tastes just as good. 

Christmas is coming up. My granny making veggie casserole just for me. I don't think I can tell her to leave the cheese out. She wouldn't know what to cook for me. Is this polite? Right? wrong?

I am a grown up for god's sake. I should be able to tell her. It is no crime but somehow I DO feel bad about it. Why? I am right. This is the right thing to do. 

I need to hang in there. Because if I don't I will also feel shitty. It's a vicious circle. I cannot please everybody. 

The same goes with the breaking up of my parents. I try to handle it. I try to be with both with all my love. I try to be the perfect daughter, the perfect granddaughter, the perfect housemate, the perfect friend. But I cannot be perfect. 

So what am I going to do?

I guess my mom knows about me starting to live as a vegan. And she asked: "So you don't eat anything anymore?" And I explained it to her. She thoght I was going to be somebody who only eats fruits and stuff that falls to the ground by itself (like apples)...

I think I really need to do this. Guts, bravery, courage!

I looked up famous vegan. Elijah Wood for one, Moby, Emilie Autumn, ... There are some. I am just looking for some support. 

I think I am putting too much into this. It's just food. Actually nobody should even ask me what I eat. And nobody should actually ask me to explain myself for eating what I eat. This is my business. 

I am confused and sad and angry and somehow alone. This adds to the fiasco.

I skipped school today. I can't take seeing living creatures today.

As a matter of fact, I can't stand myself today. I drank at least five big cups of coffee just until now and it's not even been four hours since I've woken up.  Or well...since I've opened my eyes and convinced myself to go to the toilet. I haven't even brushed my teeth. I'm diguisting.

I tried to improve.

I watched two episodes of the Gilmore Girls and drank even more coffee. And then I showered, washed my hear, shaved my legs and and ate two slices of toast and an apple. But still - I'm nowhere near feeling like a fresh young woman. 

I just wrote a shopping list for the super market. I really have to go. 

I need CEREAL! Goddamnit! And coffee. Yeah, I comsumed every ... well yes, I truly ran out of all my supplies. And I need wrapping paper for my brother's birthday present. Maybe I should take a walk...Get my head out of these black clouds.

There is one thing that makes me happy though. 

THIS

Watch it, my dears!

Different subject. I am really looking forward to Christmas this year and you know why? It suddenly changes its value when you've lived in your own four walls for a year. It becomes something special, seeing your whole family all at once. I get kinda lonely in this city. Even though my mom's living twenty minutes away, I can't bother her. She's starting to built a new life herself and needs no whiny daughter. And I don't want to be.

So, I'm gonna get myself some food. And then I'm gonna cook something really fucking tasty. Just for myself. I try to take good care of myself since no one else would.

Well, wow...I fell better. Writing is rather great. I feel like brushing my teeth. Mood's going up. There it goes, world. 

I'm gonna be an artist someday.

...that the guys from jackass can actually die. And most of all, that Dunn would be the first one of them. I don't know him, I never met him, but he never failed to made me laugh. The heroes of my childhood had never been the "great popstars" (whatever that means), but these fucking crazy Jackass guys. And I love them and I love Ryan Dunn and am very sad about his passing. Rest in Piece, you lovely Motherfucker!

I've been crying for several hours now and there is no fucking release whatsovever. I guess I could cry my eyes out but there's no stopping this. There's no stopping this thoughts.

I don't know why I wallow myself in this pity, or why I glorify this suffering (which I tend to do)...I just need somebody to help me out or I'll drown in myself.

I read a great comment on youtube recently, which is rather exceptional I would say.

It was about a guy (in that particular video) who dressed funny or crazy (whatever that means), but did a really great job singing and performing and there was this argue about him taking drugs and stuff. And somebody wrote that there ARE people being very interesting without the use of heavy drugs. And that, my friend...is soo true. 

So...for the record:

Dear kids,

don't take drugs. You are even more special being great without. And better off. Trust me. 

I recognise I am very silly and pathetic and immature, but I guess I have the cure for it now.

Writing songs about death, believe me, it works. I've been doing it for several years now and it starts to make an impact on me. It's like with these pills you know, they take longer then you want them to, to actually work. But that's okay, too. 

I don't like this image of me being sad and miserable and I don't know why I picture myself like this. I mean (in case somebody's actually really reading this? Thanks mate, and good look, happy birthday or WTF I'm sorry she/he dumbed you) I am a rather positive about stuff. At least I constantly try to. I must seem very differently, because I only "blog" when I feel verrrry very very very down. And this is me in "good shape", whatever that means, my friend.

Ummm, hm...yeah, FORWARD:

The happiest hours in my life have been me going totally nuts on concerts, dancing, screaming, jumping around...Really fun, you should try it. It works better than anything else I've tried. If you're not that "dancing-type" I recommend you to go to a Reggae Concert. There is no standing still. Nobody stands still there. But it's not like MOSHPIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!1CIRCLE PIT!!!!!!!!!!!HELLYEAH!WALLOFDEATH!!!!LET'SHITEACHOTHER!!!!!!!!!!! It's full of harmony. Yes, peace and love etc. You just get into the vibe and start dancing. It's fucking great! Really. 

If you're german (like me...don't ask why I pretend I'm english, that's an aestethic thing I guess) go see JAHCOUSTIX. He's the reggae-master.

If you're from the stage go to a JASON WEBLEY show. He's not all that reggae but he is THE VIBE, like really. (pic shown above)

Or if you're not into music or socialising at all (may that be) just go to a place where you love to be. Like the woods or the playground or whatever (excluding your room) and then...you can do a lot of things. Screaming is one thing. It's very helpful. If you cannot scream (there are a lot of people who cannot) than sing (if you can) if not run...if you cannot (maybe you have no legs, I don't know), then breathe in and out. LOUDLY. Because that my friend, is something anybody can do. Because we're alive, for fuck's sake. 

I try to remember myself that I am alive. 

You should do that, too!

Peace.